Ranting

Disclaimer: Read with a grain of salt. I didn't mean any of this for anyone, just as a chance to express what I've been thinking about these last few months. I really do love and miss everyone at home and am excited to see you whether I stay or go!

After talking with the president of KBU about contracts for next semester, I found out for sure and certain that my contract would not be renewed unless I agreed to continue working on Sundays. What a blow. I was crushed, because I'd held out hope that they were bluffing and just trying to get me to work more hours. But that wasn't the case...

It's a hard decision. I love the students here. It's encouraging to me seeing their lives and how passionate they are about serving in their churches and serving others around them. The Holy Spirit is indwelt in them in a way that I want to be. I want to serve and live for God like they do. They are a source of strength, encouragement, and chastening to me, and I'd hate to lose that. I truly do love teaching them English. It comes with its challenges and trials, but they're worth it.

On the other hand, going back seems to be inevitable whether it's now or a year from now. So why not go home now and just get it over with? Deal with the re-entry shock and move on with life. This can't be a lifestyle living in Korea my whole life, can it? Maybe. I sometimes dream about living here forever...then reality sets in. But why can't living in Korea be a reality? I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of what it might hold. Will I ever get married? Will I be able to maintain friendships? What will my family think? Maybe it's just a dream and not a realistic ideal.

Sometimes I wonder why God has me here. What could I possibly be doing here? Why learn Korean?? What benefit will it hold to me or others in the future? I often imagine waiting until North Korea opens and is accepting of foreigners. I'd like to be one of the first who goes and teaches English while sharing the Gospel with them in their own language. I love Korean people, and I wish there was a way I could show it more. Ok, ok...I do complain sometimes about their characteristics, but in the end, I can't help but love them in spite of our differences. It's something God has simply put on my heart.

And you know what? I don't want to lose that. I'm afraid that if I go back home, that love will be replaced with something else. It sometimes has...when I was younger, I loved Africa. Then I went, came back, and that love was replaced with a love for Muslims. After serving Somali people, I moved to Korea and developed a new love for Korea. This love is different though. It wasn't automatic. It wasn't something that came before the fact. It was a growth. I didn't have any special desire to know or care about anything Asian in the least; until I was forced into the reality that I was in Korea for a year. So might as well suck it up and enjoy it. And I fell in love.

Maybe it's better I don't have a boyfriend right now. I feel like my life is devoted to loving and caring for my Korean students and other Koreans in my life. Every moment of my life is spent thinking about how to help them or share the God's love with them. I have given my life to serving them. I think that's why it was so hard going back to the States last time. After giving your heart to something and then tearing it away, it's rough. It literally felt like breaking up after a long relationship. Something that took months to "get over". And now that I'm back, I'm more in love than ever before. Even though I hate some things, I've learned to deal with them and even enjoy many things that bothered me before.

If only I could figure out this church situation...