Worry

I feel like an emotional wreck. Up one day, and down the next. I love teaching these students so much. They are my strength, and they are the ones who keep me here. It's no matter if the students are good or bad or have a high speaking ability or not. They are passionate about life. They are starting on a new journey and are searching for ways to change the world around them. They challenge me in my own life to live more for God, to live life with excitement, and to not waste a moment of time.

Yet, as time gets closer to contract renewals, my heart aches. I'm pretty sure they won't rehire me back, because not working Sundays was a non-negotiable for me. And going to church these last few Sundays where I feel comfortable has reissued that commitment in me. But I still want to stay here. I want to stay so badly at KBU.

These days I can hardly sleep or eat. I feel sick. Students come in and pour their stories of concern or need of help on me. I try to help, but feel my words are empty. One student asked me if I'd ever gone through anything like his situation before, and I said that I was in a situation like that at the moment. He said that I look so strong and confident, and that I couldn't possibly be feeling anxiety. But it's easy to show strength on the outside. Hard to deal with the feelings on the inside.

I wish that KBU could see how much I love the students. I really do, and it's something I can't really explain. How can they let me go just because I want to worship God in a way that is beneficial to me (going to an early time church)? It doesn't seem fair...but then, God has a way that is more than we could know or imagine. He has good things planned for our lives. His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways. I know that I should just trust His guidance and follow where He leads. And who knows. Maybe KBU will extend my contract and I'm just worried for nothing...